How?

I don't know how people do this without Jesus! Life is just too hard without having a soft place to crash. I know that before Jesus, it was drugs, alcohol, and men. The problem with those is all the drama, pain and confusion that resulted. When I am tired and weary the only thing that re-energizes me and sets my paths straight is sitting with Jesus, either in His Word or in prayer. I am continually encouraged and challenged, comforted and loved, filled up and filled in. Right now, I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, under appreciated, run ragged and uncomfortable in my own skin, but my hope and my life is in Jesus and I couldn't be happier. I have been blessed, I am blessed, and I will continue to be blessed. I am just so grateful for this relationship with the Son of God, the Holy Spirit and God the Father. Nothing beats it!!!

Whoooooaaaa

Wow! What a ride this has been. Being in a spiritual battle is super exhausting. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride in these parts. Arguments, fights, illnesses, unemployment, a crashed computer, TDI, loss of a family vacation, anger, a missed birth, sheer exhaustion... sprinkled with hope, joy, God's word, constructive conversations, Valentine's day, birthday parties, love, time with friends, forgiveness, BSF, craft ideas, prayer... every day and every moment has been so drastically different. This is the stuff that Christ-changed lives are made of. We are working hard as a family to get rid of the junk in our lives. I have to admit that this load of trash has been sitting around stinking up the joint pretty badly. Unfortunately, it's all been here so long that it's all but melted into the fabric of our lives. Cleaning up this mess is not going to be easy. During my bible study this week, I was reminded that Earth is not our home, but heaven is. Jesus died in order to fulfill Scripture and reconcile us with God. He is now in Heaven preparing a place for us, but until then, we are here as warriors in training. We are here to get to know how our enemy works and practice using our weapons of God's word, unity with other Christians and prayer, so when Jesus returns with the trumpet's blasts and rolling back of the clouds, we will be prepared to back our Savior in the ultimate battle! Knowing that this is all in preparation for something much bigger, really makes it more purpose driven and much more difficult to just avoid (which I sometimes would prefer to do). I am thankful for this refining process and blessed to know that He has a plan for me and my family.

Day #2, Again

Today for the Love Dare, I will be doing something kind for my husband. Now we just had an argument yesterday about my laundry method. I would rather do all the laundry in 1-2 days rather than 1-2 loads/day. The problem my husband has with my method is the fact that we don't have a folding table and I use the dining room (using the term loosely) table to fold and sort the laundry. Because I think it is a waste of time to put stuff away each time they come out of the dryer, I leave the clothes on the table until the whole job is done which is usually 2 days. So, today being laundry day, I will put the clothes away before he gets home and then proceed to put away each load as it is finished. It's going to be a huge pain in the hiney, but my husband will appreciate it and I get a little exercise in.
On another note, I've been having quite a few little flickers of thought about starting my own business. For me, it is a terrifying thought. Anything I have ever attempted before has always gone up in smoke. I have to admit, mostly they have been done my own control freak way instead of letting God lead, and the reasons and motivations are usually quite self focused. This time I'm going slow and letting God lead the way. First I need to finish my DONA birth doula certification which may/may not include becoming a childbirth educator and/or a lactation consultant. All of my massage stuff is in order, but I will need to brush up on business skills and break out the table for a few "getting back into the swing of things" freebies. Right now I'm just thinking, praying, listening, and waiting for His word in His time so I know that it will all be for His glory.

I'm DOing it again, someone stop me!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am doing it again. I am trying to figure out my life. The basic idea that it's my life is comic anyway. My life is in a place I would never have chosen nor hoped that it would be. Don't get me wrong, I love all of it...but, were it my choice there would be housekeepers and much travel abroad involved, let's be honest. I have come to a place where I've been asked into a position I had previously held and had left because I had Bunny. I thought that my leaving would open up the opportunity to persue my doula/massage therapist aspirations. The position is a voluntary one teaching bible preschool. I've been bouncing back and forth as to whether or not I should accept the position.
CON: It eats up 2 morning/early afternoons a week.
PRO: I can bring Bean & Bunny with me both days and my niece with me 1 day
PRO: Bean won't be home those mornings messing up the house (which I'm pretty sure has been her new objective lately)
CON: It's going to make it a whole lot harder/stressful to persue my career
PRO: Bunny is still so young that I really just need to meet the minimal requirements which is 3 births by July
PRO: I'll be immersed in God's word daily which always helps bring a little clarity to things
CON: I'll be affecting the lives of other people like my brother who will have to babysit both of my girls for a few weeks while I'm in training
PRO: I'll be helping to start a program that will enable other mothers (who don't have 'Uncle Brothers' to help them )with small babies to attend the Bible study
PRO: I may be able to toss a little $$$ Brother's way before the holidays

Obvoiusly, the PROS outweigh the CONS right now. I have my husband's support either way. I do love to see God at work....maybe all the babies will be born on the weekends. Hmmmmmmmmm. Something to continue to think and pray about. Either way, I've come to the conclusion that it's not my decision, it's God's. I'm praying for guidance and clarity in this matter and leaving it all up to Him...I'm trying anyway.

Taking out the Trash

I've hit one of those times in my life where I can't handle any of it any more. I went away for the weekend with just the baby in order to get a little relaxation. When I returned home, I realized the difference between relaxing and resting. Relaxing to me means the absence of daily chores and household maintenance. Which is exactly what I did while visiting a very dear friend and her family. Resting to me (which is now obvious) is sleeping. Hours upon hours of lost sleep regained through a day or two of uninterrupted SLEEEEEEEEEP. Needless to say, with Bunny being with me, my version of rest did not occur. So, when I came home to all the usual mayhem and chaos, I couldn't handle it. Sug wasn't feeling well (we know how that goes). Bird has been feeling particularly rebellious and defiant, and Bean is out of control. Her screaming, whining and crying has been a constant for a few weeks now. My sleep deprived mama brain can only bear so much and the amount has been exceeded for a while. I would be lying if I said that I didn't consider abandoning it all. I had plotted a month long undetected escape. Unfortunately, the type A personality that thrives within my being got caught up in the logistics and I was violently thrashed back into reality and the need for change. It is time for our family to take out the trash. Potty mouths, violence, back talk, disobedience, whining and screaming are all being kicked to the curb. Last night, I watched about 6 episodes of Supernanny and began to really take notes on what seems to work and why. I also began to pray to know and understand my children better so that I can execute the proper guidance and discipline required to each as an individual. I will also be implementing a special Mommy time and Daddy time for each child each month. My time away with Bunny will be her Mommy Time for the month. Bird and I will be attending a clothes swap this Friday evening and Beanbag and I will be touring our CSA farm and how it operates on Sunday afternoon. As far as Daddy time is concerned, I really want them to figure it out on their own (says the control freak). I'm ready to change the atmosphere of this house from children vs parents to our family vs the world. Keep us in your prayers as I am well aware of the fact that I can't do this properly on my own.

Helping Out in End Times

If there is any doubt in your mind that the End Times of the Bible are closer than ever, just watch this and recall the words of Luke 21:10-11.

Then he said to them: "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.

One of my dearest heart friends is teaching in Manila. She has been experiencing these things first hand. If your heart prompts you to help, please do. The Earth is beginning to experience the pains of labor as we move closer to Christ's return. We must become doulas to those hardest hit. If we can't physically or financially participate, we must find it in our hearts to pray and believe that it is all happening for the Glory of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour.

I have also been referred to my friend's church (http://victoryfort.org/)to help financially. Please keep the people of Manila in your prayers.

Thank God

I just wanted to use this post to thank God for being God. Who am I that HE (the Creator of Heaven and Earth) should care to even acknowledge me, never mind care for me and love me and be so abundantly patient with me. I am so ungrateful and dense for all that He has given me and to the plans He has for me and my family. It may sound ridiculous to thank someone for being themselves, because I guess they just are who they are. I am thankful for God's sovereignty, His holiness, His perfect love, His listening ears, His giving hands, His plans for salvation for here on Earth as well as eternity, His holy word, His encouragement, His wisdom, His patience, and His consistency. There is no way I could list it all, but for this small moment in time I am truly thankful.

Today is MY Day!

Today is the day I've been waiting for since Bunny was born. Today was my first day back to BSF. BSF stands for Bible Study Fellowship (International). About 8 years ago when I came to the realization that Jesus was the real deal, I had no church and really didn't want one until I knew what I believed. I wanted to choose a church based on my beliefs rather than beliefs based on my church. A friend of mine had encouraged me to join BSF. At that time, they had just begun a study of the book of John and I went. I have been in and out of the program (due to pregnancies and having young babies) ever since. I LOVE it. It is a 4 fold study/learning/training program. FOLD 1:You are given a question sheet that leads you through a portion of scripture each day for the week. Some questions are factual, some are conceptual and some are personal. It can get pretty deep and intense, in a good way. FOLD 2:Then, on BSF day, you go over the questions in your small group. This was really intimidating for me at first, because I didn't feel as though I knew much, but once I had realized that some of the more seasoned Christians were coming up with the same answers that I had, I really began to enjoy it. FOLD 3: Next, all the small groups get together for a lecture on the same things we've been studying and talking about. (I want to say that this is my favorite, but it's all my favorite) FOLD 4: Attached to the next weeks question sheet are 4-5 pages of notes. Talk about in depth study! Not only is this something that I look forward to, but they have a preschool program that is AMAZING. The kids actually learn the same things that the adults are learning....in preschool! As if that wasn't enough, we were informed today that they will be opening up classes for toddlers as well as infants (6 months +). The babies will be prayed over and the toddlers will be learning the same things as the adults and preschoolers! I can't wait. The infant program won't begin until January, but bet your buttons, Bunny will be one of the first babies on that list. This year, once again, we will be studying the book of John. Wow!!! The last time I did this study, I wasn't even engaged yet never mind married with 3 kids. I can't wait to look back on some of my old material to see what things God was revealing to me then and how it is similar to or totally different from what He's showing me now. BSF is an international worldwide program, they are everywhere! They can be found at . They are open to anyone who desires to study the Bible whether you are a church-goer or not. Check them out!

Parenting 101

Don't you wish they had a class? Well, I guess they do. There are probably tons of classes, not to mention TV shows, books and movies on the subject. What most of these Parenting 101 venues fail to mention is that each and every kid, each and every parent, and therefore each and every family is different. Unfortunately for me, I love to study and read. In my childhood and growing up, I learned a lot about how NOT to raise children and how NOT to create a loving home. I am not mentioning this to be disrespectful or dishonoring to my mother, as she has admitted such and has asked to be forgiven for it. Granting her forgiveness may have been a whole lot harder to do if I hadn't already been a mother myself. Having a small outline of things NOT to do is a world away from having a small outline of things to do. So, my studious self decided to set out to finding the secret of parenting. No one resource had the answers I sought. Surprised? Believe it or not, I was. Even my beloved guide to life left me with more questions than answers. This weekend, we had the mother of all meltdowns at my house. The crying and screaming was atrociously embarrassing and the children were really misbehaving, too. They had us completely undone and pitted against one another. Not acceptable. We finally calmed down and held a family meeting. Mom and Dad are in charge by order of God Almighty Himself. We must discipline by order of His Holy Word. It may not be pretty, and we may not be making any friends in the process, but there is nothing to lead us to believe that being our child's friend is of any importance in the kingdom of God. Needless to say, we dropped the proverbial hammer. We started to bless the goodness and restrict the garbage. Right now, we are using money (dimes to be precise). This is very similar to the sticker system; good behavior earns stickers and when a specified amount is acquired, the child will receive a reward. We tried this, but my kids always ended up sticking the stickers to the floor or wherever and fighting over whose was prettier... So money it is. The children never actually receive the money, as I don't think they should be paid for good behavior, but they can use the money to 'buy' TV, computer or movie time. They can also share their dimes with their sibling in order to make a shared decision for something they couldn't afford separately. We're only 3 days deep, but with this system in addition to our scripture based "naughty wall", life has been totally bearable, dare I say enjoyable. This is what is working for us right now, in a month or two it could be different. I have faith that God will iron out all the details and when my children are old enough they, too, will be able to forgive their parents for not knowing exactly how to do it right. With God's refining power, by the time Jesus comes back, maybe someone in my lineage will have this parenting thing nailed.

God is Faithful

When Sug and I were looking to buy a house, I was completely overwhelmed. Bird was almost 2 and I was pregnant with Bean, and I loved EVERY house we saw. Sug was only interested in looking at houses from only 2 different towns and scheduled all the rest for me to see during the week. Now, I had been in prayer about a house for a while and I truly wanted to follow God's lead as I know He had the perfect place for us. I know that in following the path God has set before me, I can be quite dense, so I asked Him to make it abundantly clear as to where He wanted us. After weeks upon weeks of what seemed like silence, I finally knew that we would be paying a specific certain amount for our home. The control freak in me then began to only look at houses in that particular price range. I totally believed God, or so I thought. During this particular time, I was also trying to trust God in my marriage. Submission is a dirty word in my book, or at least it was until I really started practicing it. After a few more weeks, I knew that my husband was supposed to choose our home, and no matter what he chose, or for what reason he chose it, the house he picked was the one. Now, I may take God at His word and know within the depths of my being that it is true, but you can believe me that I had quite a conversation with God on that subject. After finally submitting my will to that of the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, and subsequently, my husband, we found a house online that was quite a bit out of our price range. When we went to see it, there were about 10 other people with us. The stench of urine burned your eyes and nostrils about 15 feet before you even go into the house. The entire house (except the bathroom) was covered in carpet that had obviously not been vacuumed for a LOOOOONNNNGG time. In one of the back rooms, there was a tree/shrub/bush that had grown in through the open window. The bathroom had a stack of wet towels leaning up against the wall that was up to my chin and reeked of mildew and mold. In the master bedroom, there was a piddle pad for the dogs on the floor surrounded by 3-4 piles of dog poop. The amount of cobwebs and dust would naturally lead one to believe that the house was abandoned, but the sink full of dirty dishes told another story. Finally, we were led into the basement which to quote the high-heeled big haired supermodel standing beside me "it smells like raw sewage, I'm sure that is raw sewage... I gotta get out of here." My thoughts exactly, sister! After walking through the house a second time, I knew it. He hadn't said anything yet, but I knew this THIS was the house Sug was going to want to buy and I knew God wanted me to go along with it! WHAT?!? There was no way, I must have heard God all wrong. You can bet your...bottom dollar that I went straight to God with that, right there and then, while I stood in the driveway and my husband and beloved real estate agent trekked through the waist high grass to find the exact parameters of the property. I think I recall our conversation going something like this: "God, I love you, but you have got to be crazy. I have a little girl to think about and a baby on the way. We can't live here. There is a plastic tote full of tub, shower and sink water in the basement that is being pumped into the backyard where my kids are supposed to play. It's out of our price range anyway (scary but true), and I'm beyond sure that you don't want me or anyone in my family to die of Lyme's disease. I am so pregnant that I can't even help with any work that this house would need and being the super nurser (I don't mean that I'm a great nurser, I just mean that I do it a lot for a decent period of time)that I am, it will be quite sometime before I can help. (then my sensibilities kicked in and I remembered who I was talking to) But God, if you made this for us and it's ours to have, I need a couple of things. Firstly, I need something...anything...to hold onto as a sign of hope. I also need the actual price of the house to be THE number, or I will be convinced that it is not from you and that it should be passed by. Thirdly, I need to know that no matter what, we will be able to pay the mortgage. And, what is the name of this post? Amen, He is, God is Faithful. During the second walk through of the house, the person who lived there was home and gave us her own tour, explaining everything. They had tried to make the house as undesirable as possible because they didn't want to move, her parents, the owners, had informed them quite matter of factly and there was quite a bit of bitterness and hostility in the air over it. She then began to show us all the fruit trees and the little porch swing that was covered in junk and finally, the answer to my prayer, a little side porch that went completely unnoticed because of the overgrown brush that covered it (which come to find out was actually the most beautiful thicket of Wisteria). On the top of this little porch were two of the most beautiful little stained glass windows. This was my something. My anything. From that point forward, I was on board. No shocker, we paid exactly what I knew we would for the house. Three years later,(2 weeks ago)our house is actually our home. Septic system fixed, hardwoods installed, field mowed regularly, bathroom replaced, we are at home. Don't get me wrong, there is still so much that needs to be done, but either way, it is our home. Oh, and the whole point of this post? God has been faithful to provide each and every payment thus far despite my husband throwing his back out and being on TDI for an entire summer, and me being in my current state of unemployment. Our mortgage is due on the first. We had $112 in the bank and still needed groceries. Yesterday, a friend of ours called to drop off some money he owed my husband. Sug has been helping this friend clean out properties that have been foreclosed. This friend, had sold one of these properties and in addition to the usual hourly rate, included a bonus which totalled to this month's mortgage payment!!! He is Faithful. He is Good. He is our Creator and Sustainer. As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, these are things I should expect and know, but it's always nice to be reminded.

Smelling Like Roses

So here it is....Since having children, I have yet to have a day that I end up smelling like roses. 15 days ago I began a mission to have one day (not even a 24 hour period, just from 6AM-8PM) that I did not have to deal with poop. I know I still have to change Bunny's diapers, but does she need to decide to do her happy dance just in time to get it on her foot and kick it all over my arm? And I know that Beanbag is potty training, but do I have to find out that she had an accident by sitting down in the exact chair that she pooped herself in? And I know Chloe hates me, but can't she just prove it by eating out of the trash again instead of stepping in a pile of the stuff she left in the middle of my kitchen floor? And I know I need to clean out the litter box, but why is there poop on the outside of it? And then there was the day of the mystery poop, which still goes unresolved. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming the living room, I noticed a smudge on my arm, which was most definitely poop. Where it came from, I have no idea. I just have to chalk it up to another poopy day. Today has already been crossed off of the potentially poop free day, but there's always tomorrow. I have been praising God for things like baking soda, vinegar, soap nuts, and anti bacterial hand sanitizer as well as hiney wipes, paper towels and house rags. The first day without poop will be a cause for celebration, but I know that the first year without poop will be a cause of sadness and reminiscence of days gone by. Everybody is going to have a crappy day, and today is just one day in a long string of crappy days, and I couldn't be happier.

Kindergarten

Today is Birdie's first day of Kindergarten and it's nothing but waterworks over here. She doesn't even seem to realize that I need for her to eat the breakfast I made. I also need her to let me help her get dressed. I guess I'm just supposed to sit back and smile at how self sufficient she is becoming, and take heart in the fact that she's ready to be away from her Mama for a long day at school. She's really living up to her nickname today, and my heart vacillates between feeling like it is being torn from my chest and swelling with intangible amounts of pride. God has to keep reminding me that she is His and He loves her even more than I do. Today, He promises to keep her safe and brave. I can't ask for more than that. The God of the Universe will be watching over her and keeping her safe and brave. He does this every day, but He also knows that I need the reassurance.

The Gift of Marriage

Last night at my bible group, we were helping a sister walk through something,and I had the opportunity to share something that God had shown me a little while back. Until this year, my marriage has been really hard (not just for me, I'm sure). We both came in with a lot of baggage and attitude, which is not a good recipe for a healthy long lasting marriage. But, we did do one thing right. We asked God to be part of our marriage and a cord of three is not easily broken, especially if one of your cords is the Creator of the Universe. Both of us were very unhappy, but marriage was not designed to make you happy, it was designed to make you holy. Our whole purpose on Earth is to strive through the guidance of the Holy Spirit to be more like Jesus everyday. If being married doesn't teach you forgiveness, patience, long suffering, and self control; I'm pretty sure that nothing on Earth will. Some may think that having kids teaches you those things, but raising children is what tests them (my theory on why God wants us to be married before having children). Anyway, in a particularly hard time in our marriage God gave me a special gift of understanding. He helped me realize that of all the people on all the planet, I am the only one who is allowed to love my husband the way that Jesus would if He were here. It's a huge honor, because God loves my husband so much, He wanted to give him someone to love him like He would. And that's ME! I'm meant to be a gift and a blessing! I also realized that revoking that privilege would be detrimental to me, my husband, our marriage, and our family. It makes sense doesn't it? No matter how hard or yucky our marriage has been, if I ever saw my husband being hugged in a deeply loving and comforting way by someone else, or if he felt more comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings with someone else; man, woman, or camel, I'd be devastated and deep down I would know that it was because I was not fulfilling my purpose as a gift from God to my husband. No one is allowed to love him like I do. Anyway, there it is, pulled from the archives to benefit some else. Oh wait, I think I really needed to know that again. Maybe instead of keeping it in the archives to pull out for others, I will start trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind, and just maybe my marriage will continue to prosper. Novel idea, let's go with that.

Today

Whose day am I going to let this be? Mine? or God's? My day will consist of my daily choeres like feeding and dressing everyone, as well as, cleaning the playroom and bedrooms, bringing Bunny to her doctor's appointment, dropping some stuff off to a friend, packing, somehow squeezing my last bible study homework page in, and to be finished off with a meeting with my bible group. God's day will consist of humor, beauty, joy, challenges, surprises, and maybe even a miracle or two. Whose day is it going to be? I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me, today. Oh, and tomorrow, I may even try it again.

The Color of Money

It is only too obvious that the color of America's currency is the same color people get when they are filled with envy...Green. Coincidence, I think not. The basic premise is that we all want what other people have, especially in the green department. I have to admit, there are days that I wish I had the money to buy an electric wheat grinder instead of using my hand grinder, but I think there is something to be said for the results of hard work. I didn't grow up with money and at times it was hard, but it makes you resourceful and innovative. When my husband and I began our lives journey together, we decided that we would rather be poor and raise our own children than be working our tails off to have a little extra coin and pay to have someone else raise our kids. That's what works for us, and I had a heads up that our financial life would be where it is. This blog entry is not going to be about how I want money, but more so a small complaint about those who have a little too much money. Why is it that those who have the least tend to give the most? I have quite a few people in my life who are not nearly as financially challenged as we are who hold on to their money as if it's all they have. These are the people who complain when the price of milk goes up and you know that extra 7 cents a week is far from destroying them. Now, I have been the beneficiary of quite a few things that my wealthier friends and family members no longer have a use for. We have literally only purchased 7 pieces of furniture for our whole house. Needless to say, thankful is an understatement. I'm just having a problem understanding how people who have money complain about it so much. Even more perplexing is that they would complain about it to someone in my financial situation. Instead of being green with jealousy or envy, I'm turning a little red with anger. I just want to scream out, "Well I doubt you cry when you pay your bills, or pray for a miracle so that your mortgage gets paid, or even hold off on buying shoes until you're sure that everything else has cleared! I don't care that you're upset about the extra 5 cents that gas went up since last week. I have to pay for that too!" I'm not usually this worked up about money, but I had a small incident this morning with a family member who fits this profile, and has asked me (that's right, me) for help so that he/she can save a little money ($1.50/month to be precise). Of course, I will help out in any way that I can. I just need to put on my rose colored glasses and flash my pearly whites. I am so thankful for this outlet to get my thoughts straight so that I don't confront others with my initial thoughts. Thank God for providing ways to change our hearts, even if it's for the love of money.

The Rubber Meets the Road

How exactly does one give their past over to God? I should know the answer to this as a majority of my past is His for the keeping. I understand that I have been forgiven and that my life experiences will be used to help others in some way. I know that He wants us to forgive, but not necessarily forget. He doesn't want us to be tortured by memories or guilt or shame. He wants us to be truly repentant and turn our lives over to Him so that He can make us more like Christ Jesus. He's in the business of changing broken lives around. My God is a testimony maker. That being said, why can't I give him my childhood? He's walked me through it over and over again and it gets easier and easier each time,until...He asks me to give it to Him. How can I let Him have THAT? I need to be afraid so that I can keep the same things from happening to my children. I need to be on guard at all times so that I don't suffer the same shocking fate as my mother. I need to be wary of people in order to protect my family and myself. Doesn't God understand that? How can He even think of taking that away? Fear, anger, resentment are all things He's healed me from in the past. Why can't I let this go? Jesus, my Lord and King, is asking for my garbage and junk so that He can make it beautiful. I know that He will, He's done it many times over. Why is this one so hard? How easy would it be for me to just blame Satan, but I'm the one holding the great neon sign that says "If you want to keep me paralyzed from prospering God's kingdom in any way, push THIS button" with an arrow pointing to the absurdly large flashing button that is my childhood. I know I can trust Him with this, so why don't I? How do I distinguish the Holy Spirit's prompting from my own personal blockade of fear? Well, if the fear is gone, there will be only one voice, that WOULD make it easier. I know that I will have to pry my fingers off this thing daily, but with His help it might not be so bad, right? I guess, with that thought, I'm beginning another mission from God. I know it's from Him because it's hard and I don't want to do it, but it will be life changing and epic. It will be one of the many places I can build an Ebenezer in my walk with Him, so maybe the next time He wants something from me it won't be as difficult as it is right now. Praise God for His Glory and Grace. For this moment my childhood is His and although my eyes are stinging and the tears are flowing, it feels good to be set free, if only for a short while. Thank you, God for showing me my junk. I can only get through this mission with you at the helm. Please lead and guide me along your path to complete freedom. Praise you.

A Day to Myself

I had a day to myself yesterday. I had Bunny, of course, but Birdie and Bean were having a lovely day of their own with their Uncle Brother and his family at the beach. Uncle Brother got his name because he is the only boy in our family. So instead of calling him by his real name, my sisters and I just started to call him Brother and with the births of all of our children it evolved into Uncle Brother. I had so much planned for my day to myself. I had picked up a bunch of delicious cucumbers from my CSA and planned on making some pickles to bring with us on vacation for Bird's birthday. Didn't happen. I planned on being able to read a couple of chapters of "The Princess Bride". Didn't happen. I planned on cleaning the house from top to bottom. Didn't happen, I didn't even take the clothes out of the dryer from the night before! I planned on making 4 sock monkeys for Craft Hope. Didn't happen, although, I almost finished one, she needs 1 eye and a smile! I planned on doing my Bible study. That I did do and it set the tone for my whole day. It may have seemed like a wasted day to the untrained eye, but to me, it was perfect. I did my bible study and spent a huge majority of the rest of the day playing with and snuggling and kissing my Bunny. During the average day, she gets so overlooked by all of the vocalized needs of the big girls, the discipline and training that's going on, and the day to day stuff of life. Bunny is so mild mannered and goes with the flow so easily, that I rarely get to just spend hours upon hours lavishing love upon her like I did for my Bird and my Bean. So that's how I spent my day to myself. I learned more about my God and my baby girl. It was totally worth the sink full of dishes, the dog hair tumbleweed covered floor, and the still unopened cover of a beloved book.

The Pointer Sisters

So, whenever something awesome happens the song "I'm so excited" by The Pointer Sisters blares in my head and most times even escapes from my lips. The song is usually accompanied by a little 'happy dance' and a great big smile. This is how I woke up this morning. Why? Because today is the day that I'm going to be heading over to a local farm to join their CSA. The farmer's wife (who is also a farmer) has agreed to let me join half way through the season!!! Not only will I be receiving organic veggies, but also free range eggs, beef, chicken, goat, turkey and pork. They are also in the process of building a new cheese making facility!!! Normally, this would not be something that I could afford, but for the past couple of months I have been setting aside a bit of money each week for a special gift for Birdie's birthday. I had wanted to adopt a child through World Vision with the same birthday as Bird so that she could have a pen pal, learn about a different culture, helping others, and caring for the needy. I still think this is a great idea, but Birdie's birthday is in a couple of weeks and we're a bit short in the $ department, not to mention that Birdie can only really write her name. I had decided to put World Vision off until next year, when the CSA opportunity presented itself. I will now have a whole year to set aside $ for WV and 12 weeks to set aside $ for the next session at the CSA. "I'm so excited, woo wee, and I just can't hide it, no no, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it, yeah yeah" I love when God just puts stuff like that all together in one fell swoop.

God's Girls

I love my Bible study group. They are truly a blessing straight from heaven. When giving advice or guidance they rely heavily upon God's word and what He has taught them during their own lifetime or through someone that they love's trials. I also admire the fact that when they are wrong about something, they are humble enough to re-evaluate, apologize, and refer back to scripture. I am both humbled and honored to be learning from them and sharing our lives together. I can only hope that I am half the blessing to them in their lives as they have been to me in mine. My heartfelt prayer for each of my children is that God would provide them with a group of friends such as these. Friends who will hold each other accountable, guide and nourish spiritually, laugh heartily and mourn deeply. I pray that my children will have friends who reflect and resemble the love of God and the heart of Jesus. I also pray that my children and I will be this kind of friend to others.

Food For Thought

I feel as though God has slowly been trying to teach me the proper way to care for my body. It's been a long road, but I think I may finally be getting it. The road started in a way that may seem easy enough; I stopped dropping acid. That was in 1997 (I think). I then stopped all hard drugs and finally quit smoking pot, but only because it made me paranoid and tired, not because I wanted to take care of my body, necessarily. That was in 2005, and yes, I was a Christian and a mom at that point. During this time, I was also battling alcohol, by no choice of my own. I gave up smoking cigarettes and only indulged in the occasional glass of wine while I was pregnant with Bird. After I had Bird, I was a breastfeeding mama so I tried to bump up my occasional drink without going completely haywire, but I realized that I just couldn't. At this point, I began to realize that I had a problem. One drink easily turned into 7 or 8. I didn't really know how to deal with it. I stopped hanging out with my friends and eventually even talking to most of them. I put everything I had into my baby and completely isolated myself. I prayed a whole lot and came to a point that I would actually become physically ill if I drank even a few sips of a beer. When I was pregnant with Bean, I had gestational diabetes and learned that my life was being run by SUGAR! The reality of multiple daily insulin injections really woke me up to the warning that gestational diabetes may be a precursor for adult onset type 2 diabetes. I vowed to change the way I ate and thought about food. I went on Weight Watchers and learned how to eat smaller portions and well balanced meals, and I had my last drink on September 22, 2007. When I got pregnant with Bunny, I was probably in the best shape of my life (not my lowest weight). I felt strong and although I wasn't on WW anymore, I had continued to apply some really good exercise and eating habits. With bunny, I wanted to have a homebirth, but if I had GD again, I would be considered high risk and would not be considered for a homebirth by the only midwife in our area who attended homebirths. I was suddenly thrust into a battle against diabetes. During that time, I learned a lot about herbs and the benefits of grinding my own wheat. With God's blessing, I narrowly beat the diabetes and was blessed with an amazing homebirth. That was nearly 4 months ago. Two weeks ago, I looked questionably at Beanbag when she said she "needed" to have a lollipop at 9:30 in the morning and I suddenly realized that it wasn't about me. I had been focusing all of this new found food knowledge on healing myself while continuing to allow my husband and children to become addicted to sugar and other unhealthy foods. I'm not going to let my children become a statistic. My children will not be counted as one of the nearly 24 million people who have been diagnosed with diabetes in the US. After calling, once again upon my Lord, I was led to read "The Maker's Diet". In 2 days I was halfway through the book. I know that we will not be able to stick to all of this diet all the time, but I plan on adopting many of the guidelines in our home. Sug is not yet on board, so I may be buying 2 sets of groceries for a little while, but for a family who doesn't have much money, I'm sure that won't last long and the Doritos and cheese doodles will be taking the hit before the organic fruits and veggies. We have been blessed with our own little Garden of Eden by way of fruit trees and fertile land and I plan on making good use of both. I am so thankful that God has provided a way for my family to enjoy a healthy lifestyle and I look forward to amazing results.