Spring is Here!!!

Well, technically speaking, Spring is not here yet. But Spring cleaning is in full bloom at my house. Hubby's been home with a bad back. Bummer in the financial department, but blessing for our house, our kids, and our marriage. We have been rearranging our house literally as well as figuratively. My husband and I physically work well together. Since Sug is laid up, he's been talking and walking me through his Spring cleaning routine like burning up the unusable brush and residue in our wood pit, reorganizing the basement, and tomorrow I'll be hooking up a hot and cold outside faucet!!! Sug has been home to see all that goes into my Spring cleaning. I've switched up a size in cool weather clothes for Bean and Bunny. I know I'll have to do the Summer thing soon, but they both have grown so much, nothing was fitting them. I have rearranged rooms so that Bunny will soon have her own and have been CLEANING and PURGING for days now, so much so that Sug even purged a bunch of his old junk!!! I hope we can keep the momentum going. I feels good to get rid of some of this stuff. We've also been working well together and we get to talk a lot more than usual. I'm trying to enjoy this time while we have it, before he gets well and heads back to work. We are blessed even in the midst of what appears to be a horrible situation.

Time Out

I'm taking a time out from the Love Dare, I look forward to starting it again soon. Something is going on in my house that I just can't put my finger on. My husband has been harsh, condescending, bitter, and angry for the past week or so. I really need to use any time I have wisely in regards to our marriage. I feel as though it is POP QUIZ time. I've been learning a lot from this book and maybe now is the time to put what I've been learning to the test. I'm going to be reviewing the past 20 days and making a little chart of the titles so I can remember what I've learned. I know God's timing is perfect and I believe that He's got me focusing on my marriage right now for a reason. I know that the things meant for harm and destruction God uses for good. I am praying for a breakthrough here.

Timing and Time

Yesterday's Love Dare about fighting clean came at the perfect time. Something is up with Sug the past few days. He's just been really self-centered and grumpy. The baby has had a fever and hasn't been sleeping, so Sug decided to lay down with her while I wrestled the older girls into bed. Needless to say, he and the baby fell asleep. I took the opportunity to write a paper I needed to complete for my doula certification and when I was done, I began to lockdown the house which included trying to pack the woodstove to make it through the night. This is a job that frankly, I am just no good at. I'm good at getting the thing started thanks to my cross country camping escapade in my earlier years, and I even keep it going all day long, but the packing it up for the night thing never bodes well. A few minutes later, when I got into bed and switched positions with him, he began to freak out because I packed the stove wrong. In his freakfest, he decided he was going to prove just how bad a job I did. Instead of fixing my mistake, he decided to let the fire run it's course and consequently burn out in the middle of the night. He woke up with that "I'll show her mentality" and didn't start it this morning either. All I can say is he's lucky yesterday's dare was yesterday's dare. Last night, I had mentioned that he was well aware of my deficiency in this area and I was only trying to help. This morning, I asked him for my grill lighter so I could start the fire (he had borrowed it and I couldn't find it)and after a few snide remarks, I explained that I needed the fire to keep the baby (who still has a fever) warm. I never said anything rudely, angrily or even passive aggressively. I just stated the facts and did what I needed to do without anger or malice or deceit. Needless to say, I've already received two apologetic phone calls and have been met with soft words and an even softer heart. I thank God for the timing of this lesson in my life. This whole situation would normally have looked VERY different. I'm hoping if I can keep it all up, my husband will respond accordingly, and our children will also notice a change and be better able to harness their anger. Today's Dare suggests forfeiting a normal activity in order to spend some quality time with your spouse. Tonight my husband has school so I usually don't see much of him. I plan on forfeiting a few hours of sleep in order to greet him when he gets home and ask him how his day was and spend a little time reconnecting. I need to remember that this is all just a season of our lives and our marriage and as I've heard quite often, one of the most difficult. Lack of sleep, short tempers and being needed at every moment sure makes things difficult. My love for God, my husband and children and my commitment to this marriage is what makes getting over these hurdles possible. So far, the Love Dare has helped me to see where I've begun to slack in the effort department and where I've chosen to take shortcuts. It has also revealed the cycle of bitterness and anger that rolls rampant around my home and has given me scripture verses as well as practical ways to integrate what I've learned into my daily life. I pray that God will continue to use The Love Dare to refine me as a wife and mother and strengthen my marriage.

No Hitting Below the Belt

Things have been really busy here. Bunny's getting a new tooth and has just gotten over a fever to beat all fevers. She's still pretty listless and needs lots of love from her mama. I was disappointed because I couldn't participate in Craft Hope's newest project. It involves knitting and that is one craft I haven't even attempted. My disappointment was short lived as they are now hosting an Etsy shop with all donated craft items that will benefit Doctor's Without Borders for Haiti. (Sorry I haven't added any links, for some reason, they haven't been working for me) I've decided to make some stuffed animals: bears, giraffes, pigs, birds... for this project, and I've been busy. I'll post some pictures soon. And, getting back to The Love Dare, Day #12 has yet to pertain to us. We are told to willingly choose to give in to an area of disagreement, letting my husband know that I am putting his preference first. To tell you the truth, nothing came up yesterday, but knowing God, the opportunity will present itself soon. Today's Dare is to make rules to fighting fairly and live by them, with or without your spouse. So I guess this would mean not calling my husband a *^%*face which I did last night after he started freaking out about helping me get our super restless and strong-willed children to bed so that I could finally lay the sick baby down....dun dun dun...during the last 2 minutes of a really close football game. He was being a *^%*face, I guess next time I don't actually need to tell him. Oh the highs and lows of marriage. My husband laughed at my choice of insult and realized how petty and selfish he was being. It's all good. It just stinks when it gets to a place like that and there are no formal rules set in place to protect you from your own stupidity. Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks insult. Proverbs 14:17 A quick tempered man does foolish things.

Long Time No See

It's been a few days since my last post. There's a whole lot going on over here. Anyway, let's backtrack to Day #9. The Love Dare is to greet and welcome your spouse with a smile and enthusiasm. WHOA!!!! My husband and I have been married 6 years and not once did I ever pay attention to how I greet him. I have to admit, 3 days later and I'm still working on this one. I guess we're just a little too comfortable with one another, enough so that any type of greeting has all but disappeared. Even on the phone, we barely say "Hi.". What an eye opener. So as I mentioned, this one is still in the works. I don't want to scare the poor guy. Greeting him with an enthusiastic smile all of a sudden may lead him to believe that we're pregnant again, and that's just not something I want to be conveying right now. Day # 10 speaks of unconditional love and doing something for your spouse that proves that your love for them is based on a conscience choice. This one was much easier. I chose to clean the litterbox. It was as good as proof of unconditional love gets. I HATE cleaning the litterbox, but I love my husband and chose to step outside of myself and do it for him. I can't promise that I will always do it, but I'm now aware of what it symbolizes and I will consider doing it much more often. Today's Love Dare, Day #11, tells us to choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile. So I decided to look up the word cherish, not because I don't know what that means, but for insight on how I may be able to convey it to my husband in a specific way. Here's what it said "Cherish suggests regarding or treating something as an object of affection or as valuable". I have to admit, as far as objects go, there are very few in my life that I think of as valuable. The few things I do view that way are each treated very differently. The whereabouts of my wedding rings, Bible and camera are always known. They are most always on my person or within arms reach. I have a special coin that my great uncle gave me that sits protected in a special place in my room not to be touched by small hands. Our TV and computer are used daily. Which one of these valuable items resembles the way I feel about Sug? The funny thing is that I would turn each and every one of these things over to him without thinking twice about it. I know he's much more than these things and I do cherish him. The question is how to show it. Well, I've got some thinking and praying to do over this one. Praise God that He is Faithful and will provide the perfect opportunity today to prove all of this to my husband.

Burn Baby Burn

This morning's love dare is about jealousy (of you spouse specifically). I have to confess that I had no idea that this existed until I spoke to a friend whose whole entire marriage was based on jealousy. She, unfortunately, is no longer married, but I was able to see how harmful this is in a marriage. God being the great Teacher has shown me how jealousy can and has crept into my marriage. For some reason, nobody in my house feels the need to sleep at night and when they wake they don't hesitate to scream out MY name. They need their blankets pulled up or a stuffed animal whose fallen on the floor, not to mention Bunny still nurses at least twice a night (a sure underestimation). So, after 2 nights of seeing every hour, my husband who took the day off yesterday and had the house to himself (prime sleep opportunity), informed me that as soon as he got home he would be taking a nap because he was exhausted. Anyone who knows me, knows that that went over like a lead balloon. But, this is a walk of thinking and behaving differently. I did lose it this morning, but I am finding it in my heart to forgive him and let it go. I need to find my own provision for sleep and not be jealous of his. Today's love dare is not only to burn the negative list we wrote yesterday, but also to join your spouse in celebrating a recent success. Today may be the most difficult yet because I need to get over myself first. God will prove Himself faithful.

Lists, Lists, Lists

I LOVE lists. I write at least one a day and probably have hundreds of them lying in the corners of my mind. Grocery lists, to do lists, not to do lists, bucket lists, prayer lists, lists of ideas, lists of potential baby names (just in case), the list goes on (heehee). Yesterday and today, the Love Dare involve lists. Day #6 asks for a list of areas in my life that need to add a margin to my schedule and any wrong motivations that need to be released from my life. So here it goes: Finances, Sleep, Patience, Joy & Fun. WRONG MOTIVATIONS: Insecurity, Anger, Rage, Impatience. I have learned that these wrong motivations affect the things I have to make room for in an ugly circle type way. As soon as I miss some much needed sleep, I allow Anger into my life, which robs me of my Patience and in turn my Joy and Fun which increases the Anger to a state of Rage. I need to make room for sleep in my life as well as Patience, Joy and Fun. I think I'll leave the Finances up to God. That's what He wants anyway. Day #7 asks for two lists. One about all the positive things you can think about your spouse, and one with all the negative things. These are to be on two separate sheets of white paper for a future use. I will not be sharing these lists for obvious reasons. This could prove to be interesting.

Annoying!?!? Who!??!?! Me!?!?!?

Day #5 of Love Dare tells us to ask our spouse to tell us three things that cause them to be uncomfortable or irritated with us. The key to this love dare is not to bug out and start telling them your list against them. So, in order to get this one accomplished I had to completely spill the beans to Sug about doing The Love Dare. He basically thought that I was trying to start some sort of argument or something and continued to tell me that he had no idea what I was talking about. "You don't make me uncomfortable or irritable." Finally, he asked me for 3 things that make me feel that way about him. Trust me coming up with three things was super easy, but it was just coming up with the three things I wanted him to know about that was a little more difficult. Do I mention the fact that he leaves coffee grounds on the counter, so every morning when I start to make the kids' breakfasts and lunches I have to clean up the whole coffee area first for fear of super over-caffeinated children all day long? Or do I mention that he's got shoes, slippers, and boots placed strategically all over our house, waiting for just the right moment to trip you? Or what about the fact that as soon as Bunny begins drifting off to sleep, he feels the need to call to me from the farthest room of the house, expecting me to call back in return and when I do not, he busts right into the room and asks why I'm not responding, in turn waking up the baby? Or maybe the fact that I ask him on Sundays what he needs from the supermarket on Monday mornings only to be told that there is nothing he can think of, until, Monday afternoon when he calls because he just remembered that he needs shaving cream, razors, and deodorant? The list of possibilities seems endless. Anyway, I ended up choosing three and said "Now it's your turn." My husband stared at me and laughed. "Honestly, besides your unnecessary concerns about your appearance, I got nothin'. All those little things things that are or can be annoying are actually quite funny. So, right now there is nothing I can think of that makes me uncomfortable or irritated, but I'll let you know when I think of something." Maybe Day #5 didn't go as planned. Needless to say, I'll be expecting a phone call later this afternoon.

I Just Called to Say....

Today's Love Dare is to call your spouse just to check in and see how they're doing. This one didn't work out so well last time because my hubby was at work. Although I think for most people it would work better on a weekday, today is perfect for us. In a few hours, Sug is going to go out into the freezing cold with a buddy of his and go digging for clams. Yes, in the freezing, cold, wet ocean. Perfect for a phone call and maybe even an attempt at making coffee for when he gets home. My day will consist of taking my girls to a birthday party at the local movie theater. Yes, warm, joy-filled focused children, then coming home to fresh dug clams. I'm certain today is going to be quite favorable all around.

Cha Ching

Wherever your time, energy, and money is spent is where your heart truly is. The Love Dare today is to buy something for my husband to let him know that I am thinking of him. This is going to be difficult. I need to buy Frontline and flea shampoo for the dog and cat and although I can convince myself that this would bless him, I kind of think they have something different in mind. Maybe I'll buy him a coffee on my way home from our CSA today. I'll have to pray about it a little more. I'm sure God knows the perfect thing.

Here We Go Again

Now what better motivator to restart a prevoiusly failed effort but to join in with hundreds of others doing the same thing? Just this morning, my local Christian radio station (K-Love) started The Love Dare!!! Imagine that. If there was any doubt in me that God wants me doing this thing, that's long gone. Day One's dare is essentially following the advice of Thumper's wise father. To loosely quote Walt Disney's Bambi: (Thumper's Mother) "Thumper, what is it your father told you? (Thumper, looking super cute and not so innocent) "If you can't say something nice, then don't say nuthin at all". Great advice. I noticed this morning that the words I used towards Sug in a short conversation we had were not unkind or hurtful, but that my intention behind them was more than a little bit self righteous and in turn a jab of blame mixed with a tiny bit of a condescending tone. As soon as God revealed my true heart in the matter, which ended up being my need to feel validated, I called Sug and appologized for my snarkiness. I haven't spoken to him since but he should be home soon. Today may be harder than I thought, especially since my words are only a small portion of how I communicate. My thoughts and intentions are being brought into the light as well. As a woman who just lets it all go at the mouth, today will not be easy, but the Lord knows and He loves me and will help me to see what needs to change and provide the way to do it.

Day #3

Sug acknowledged the clean house!!! Yeah!! For Day #2 of The Love Dare, I was supposed to do a kind gesture for my spouse. I really prayed about it, but all I kept getting was that my house was a disaster and needed a good cleaning. I really wan't sure that it would be a kind gesture directed toward my husband, but I did it anyway as if it was. Ends up, he was blessed by it and I followed God's lead!!! Day #3 suggested that I purchase something to let my husband know that I was thinking of him. I'm embarassed and sad to say that I went to the supermarket and bought him the milk and coffee filters he had asked for yesterday morning. So unromantic, but if you know me, you know I ONLY go to the supermarket once a week. If I forget diapers, bread, milk, or any other necessity, it will just have to wait until next week and we'll figure out a way to make due. In this case, I had bought milk but Sug had used it all to eat a whole box of Cocoa Puffs (Gid love him, he's gross like that). As for the coffee filters, he hadn't asked for them and I don't drink coffee, so I didn't know we were out. It may not be what the writers of the book had in mind, but it works for us. I once again prayed about it and did it with a heart for my husband. There was no thanks or acknowledgement of it this time, but it made my heart smile when I saw him taking a sip of his coffee as he kissed us all and headed out the door. Day #4 is a call at work with no agenda. Although we talk quite a bit throughout the day, when I call, there's usually an agenda. He calls on his way to a job, lunch break and on his way home. WOW!!! Typing that was the first time I noticed the effort my husband makes to be a part of our daily lives while he's at work. I may just have to thank him for that...but I'll wait until HE calls ME for that!

Taking My Own Advice

This past weekend I took the baby and headed South to visit with a dear friend of mine and her family. She's been talking about getting seperated and (as if everything is about me) it's freaking me out. Sitting and listening to her, I realized that she's in a very similar place I was a couple of years ago. Every marriage has its own cycle(s). The problem is when one partner wants to break them while the other is content/comfortable in letting them continue. Neither my friend nor her husband are Christian, but I did something I normally would not do. I suggested, and maybe even encouraged them both, on seperate occasions to watch Fireproof . I believe this movie saved my marriage by giving both my husband and myself a new perspective on marriage and what it is meant to be. After we saw it, we purchased 2 of the Love Dare workbooks http://product.half.ebay.com/The-Love-Dare_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ69715089 and quickly found lovely little homes for them to collect dust. Could it be coincidence that coerced my mother into buying us the movie on Black Friday and suggesting I take it home then? My knowledge of God convinces me otherwise. After talking and sharing with my friend and realizing that I have no desire to end up in that place again, I watched Fireproof again. I have also begun Love Dare. Day One explains that love is patient. Wouldn't you know that as soon as I asked God to help me learn to be more patient with my husband, he gave me the chance. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all is way easier said than done. I actually considered leaving my husband's copy on the bed for him to find with maybe a few portions highlighted, but quickly though better of it and decided this 40 day commitment of mine was to my God and my marriage and if my husband, as the man I'm married to, benefits, then so be it. Today, Day Two explains that love is kind. My challenge is to do some kind gesture for my husband. I've decided to clean the house. It's been quite a mess since we've gotten back and it drives him mad. I've made a delicious pork tenderloin dinner and now need to pick Bird up at school. As soon as we get home, it's house cleaning here I come!

Transition Period

Being as there has been virtually no fall here in the Northeast, my household has been in the midst of our summer to winter transiton period. This time usually takes a whole season to accomplish but this year it is all being jammed into a 2-3 week period. I have actually been messing around with clothes for about 2 weeks now. What started out as our usual change of season/size clothing swap turned into something much bigger. After we were all done, we got an invitation to an actual "Clothing Swap". We were to bring any clean, gently used clothing which would then be displayed and set up throughout my friend's home as a shop would. Any left over clothing was going directly to the Rescue Mission in our area. What a great idea, I had to get on board especially after realizing how many clothes we actually have and how few of them we actually wear. We ended up donating 11 bags of clothes from size newborn-size 14 Womens. I was also able to organize our collection of clothing totes so that each tote houses 1 size from newborn up to my stuff. Not only did we donate clothing, but also shoes and accessories. Bird and I made the swap a date night and had a great time. Bird came home with a few tee shirts and some jewelry to share with Bean and I came home with a quilted LL Bean fall jacket. I may not be able to wear it this year, but I expect that next year when I do get to wear it, it will be quite a gift. Sug and I have deicded that after our yard clean up (hopefully this week)the girls will be getting their own rooms. This will afford us the opportunity to donate toys (the "extra room" is currently a disaterous playroom) and give each older girl a place of her own. We will also be setting some new house rules/disciplines/family times into affect. Sug and I haven't gotten the time to sit and talk about it all yet. Sug has been busy chopping wood for our hastily appraoching winter, but I was able to secure some free babysitting at the Clothes Swap for 3 hours next Sunday evening. Wow!!! Although, I'd rather leave such things out of our rare date nights, I think we can come up with some things that will afford us some more quality time inthe future. Whoever said that the only constant is change sure knew what they were talking about!

Taking out the Trash

I've hit one of those times in my life where I can't handle any of it any more. I went away for the weekend with just the baby in order to get a little relaxation. When I returned home, I realized the difference between relaxing and resting. Relaxing to me means the absence of daily chores and household maintenance. Which is exactly what I did while visiting a very dear friend and her family. Resting to me (which is now obvious) is sleeping. Hours upon hours of lost sleep regained through a day or two of uninterrupted SLEEEEEEEEEP. Needless to say, with Bunny being with me, my version of rest did not occur. So, when I came home to all the usual mayhem and chaos, I couldn't handle it. Sug wasn't feeling well (we know how that goes). Bird has been feeling particularly rebellious and defiant, and Bean is out of control. Her screaming, whining and crying has been a constant for a few weeks now. My sleep deprived mama brain can only bear so much and the amount has been exceeded for a while. I would be lying if I said that I didn't consider abandoning it all. I had plotted a month long undetected escape. Unfortunately, the type A personality that thrives within my being got caught up in the logistics and I was violently thrashed back into reality and the need for change. It is time for our family to take out the trash. Potty mouths, violence, back talk, disobedience, whining and screaming are all being kicked to the curb. Last night, I watched about 6 episodes of Supernanny and began to really take notes on what seems to work and why. I also began to pray to know and understand my children better so that I can execute the proper guidance and discipline required to each as an individual. I will also be implementing a special Mommy time and Daddy time for each child each month. My time away with Bunny will be her Mommy Time for the month. Bird and I will be attending a clothes swap this Friday evening and Beanbag and I will be touring our CSA farm and how it operates on Sunday afternoon. As far as Daddy time is concerned, I really want them to figure it out on their own (says the control freak). I'm ready to change the atmosphere of this house from children vs parents to our family vs the world. Keep us in your prayers as I am well aware of the fact that I can't do this properly on my own.

God is Faithful

When Sug and I were looking to buy a house, I was completely overwhelmed. Bird was almost 2 and I was pregnant with Bean, and I loved EVERY house we saw. Sug was only interested in looking at houses from only 2 different towns and scheduled all the rest for me to see during the week. Now, I had been in prayer about a house for a while and I truly wanted to follow God's lead as I know He had the perfect place for us. I know that in following the path God has set before me, I can be quite dense, so I asked Him to make it abundantly clear as to where He wanted us. After weeks upon weeks of what seemed like silence, I finally knew that we would be paying a specific certain amount for our home. The control freak in me then began to only look at houses in that particular price range. I totally believed God, or so I thought. During this particular time, I was also trying to trust God in my marriage. Submission is a dirty word in my book, or at least it was until I really started practicing it. After a few more weeks, I knew that my husband was supposed to choose our home, and no matter what he chose, or for what reason he chose it, the house he picked was the one. Now, I may take God at His word and know within the depths of my being that it is true, but you can believe me that I had quite a conversation with God on that subject. After finally submitting my will to that of the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, and subsequently, my husband, we found a house online that was quite a bit out of our price range. When we went to see it, there were about 10 other people with us. The stench of urine burned your eyes and nostrils about 15 feet before you even go into the house. The entire house (except the bathroom) was covered in carpet that had obviously not been vacuumed for a LOOOOONNNNGG time. In one of the back rooms, there was a tree/shrub/bush that had grown in through the open window. The bathroom had a stack of wet towels leaning up against the wall that was up to my chin and reeked of mildew and mold. In the master bedroom, there was a piddle pad for the dogs on the floor surrounded by 3-4 piles of dog poop. The amount of cobwebs and dust would naturally lead one to believe that the house was abandoned, but the sink full of dirty dishes told another story. Finally, we were led into the basement which to quote the high-heeled big haired supermodel standing beside me "it smells like raw sewage, I'm sure that is raw sewage... I gotta get out of here." My thoughts exactly, sister! After walking through the house a second time, I knew it. He hadn't said anything yet, but I knew this THIS was the house Sug was going to want to buy and I knew God wanted me to go along with it! WHAT?!? There was no way, I must have heard God all wrong. You can bet your...bottom dollar that I went straight to God with that, right there and then, while I stood in the driveway and my husband and beloved real estate agent trekked through the waist high grass to find the exact parameters of the property. I think I recall our conversation going something like this: "God, I love you, but you have got to be crazy. I have a little girl to think about and a baby on the way. We can't live here. There is a plastic tote full of tub, shower and sink water in the basement that is being pumped into the backyard where my kids are supposed to play. It's out of our price range anyway (scary but true), and I'm beyond sure that you don't want me or anyone in my family to die of Lyme's disease. I am so pregnant that I can't even help with any work that this house would need and being the super nurser (I don't mean that I'm a great nurser, I just mean that I do it a lot for a decent period of time)that I am, it will be quite sometime before I can help. (then my sensibilities kicked in and I remembered who I was talking to) But God, if you made this for us and it's ours to have, I need a couple of things. Firstly, I need something...anything...to hold onto as a sign of hope. I also need the actual price of the house to be THE number, or I will be convinced that it is not from you and that it should be passed by. Thirdly, I need to know that no matter what, we will be able to pay the mortgage. And, what is the name of this post? Amen, He is, God is Faithful. During the second walk through of the house, the person who lived there was home and gave us her own tour, explaining everything. They had tried to make the house as undesirable as possible because they didn't want to move, her parents, the owners, had informed them quite matter of factly and there was quite a bit of bitterness and hostility in the air over it. She then began to show us all the fruit trees and the little porch swing that was covered in junk and finally, the answer to my prayer, a little side porch that went completely unnoticed because of the overgrown brush that covered it (which come to find out was actually the most beautiful thicket of Wisteria). On the top of this little porch were two of the most beautiful little stained glass windows. This was my something. My anything. From that point forward, I was on board. No shocker, we paid exactly what I knew we would for the house. Three years later,(2 weeks ago)our house is actually our home. Septic system fixed, hardwoods installed, field mowed regularly, bathroom replaced, we are at home. Don't get me wrong, there is still so much that needs to be done, but either way, it is our home. Oh, and the whole point of this post? God has been faithful to provide each and every payment thus far despite my husband throwing his back out and being on TDI for an entire summer, and me being in my current state of unemployment. Our mortgage is due on the first. We had $112 in the bank and still needed groceries. Yesterday, a friend of ours called to drop off some money he owed my husband. Sug has been helping this friend clean out properties that have been foreclosed. This friend, had sold one of these properties and in addition to the usual hourly rate, included a bonus which totalled to this month's mortgage payment!!! He is Faithful. He is Good. He is our Creator and Sustainer. As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, these are things I should expect and know, but it's always nice to be reminded.

The Gift of Marriage

Last night at my bible group, we were helping a sister walk through something,and I had the opportunity to share something that God had shown me a little while back. Until this year, my marriage has been really hard (not just for me, I'm sure). We both came in with a lot of baggage and attitude, which is not a good recipe for a healthy long lasting marriage. But, we did do one thing right. We asked God to be part of our marriage and a cord of three is not easily broken, especially if one of your cords is the Creator of the Universe. Both of us were very unhappy, but marriage was not designed to make you happy, it was designed to make you holy. Our whole purpose on Earth is to strive through the guidance of the Holy Spirit to be more like Jesus everyday. If being married doesn't teach you forgiveness, patience, long suffering, and self control; I'm pretty sure that nothing on Earth will. Some may think that having kids teaches you those things, but raising children is what tests them (my theory on why God wants us to be married before having children). Anyway, in a particularly hard time in our marriage God gave me a special gift of understanding. He helped me realize that of all the people on all the planet, I am the only one who is allowed to love my husband the way that Jesus would if He were here. It's a huge honor, because God loves my husband so much, He wanted to give him someone to love him like He would. And that's ME! I'm meant to be a gift and a blessing! I also realized that revoking that privilege would be detrimental to me, my husband, our marriage, and our family. It makes sense doesn't it? No matter how hard or yucky our marriage has been, if I ever saw my husband being hugged in a deeply loving and comforting way by someone else, or if he felt more comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings with someone else; man, woman, or camel, I'd be devastated and deep down I would know that it was because I was not fulfilling my purpose as a gift from God to my husband. No one is allowed to love him like I do. Anyway, there it is, pulled from the archives to benefit some else. Oh wait, I think I really needed to know that again. Maybe instead of keeping it in the archives to pull out for others, I will start trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind, and just maybe my marriage will continue to prosper. Novel idea, let's go with that.

Mommy Sex

Yes, I said it...Mommy Sex. In my life, the two words are complete contradictions, not because I wrestle with that Madonna/Whore thought process and the necessary mental jumps that tend to accompany that, but because I'm a mommy and I'm tired, and sex (if done properly) is a lot of work. My husband and I recently had a passive aggressive joking spat about our sex life. Now, as a Christian, I believe that after loving God with all my heart, mind, body, and soul; I need to love my husband and respect the bonds of marriage above all else. This includes sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, being a Christian and believing something doesn't automatically make it happen. I have hundreds of excuses and some of them are quite valid: Bunny sleeps either in our bed (to nurse once or twice a night) or in the hanging crib next to our bed, Beanbag wakes up at least once during the night and needs to be snuggled back to sleep or she'll begin screaming at the top of her lungs waking everybody up which results in being awake for hours (not to mention hubby's temper tantrum from being woken up), and Birdie and Chloe have something against anyone sleeping any later than 6:45....the list is endless, but most of it revolves around the reality of sleep deprivation. The recent spat began after Sug thought it was a good idea to put the "moves" on me at 5AM. Although he thought he was awake because of his unbridled passion for me, it was actually because I was just climbing back into bed after putting a fully nursed Bunny down in her crib. I had already been up twice with Beaner, twice with Bunny, and neither of the big girls went to sleep until 11PM (Ridiculous). Needless to say, Sug's enthusiasm far exceeded mine. A few minutes into our little make out session, Beanbag wakes up screaming....again. I had to "go, go, before she wakes everyone else up!". Later that day, I was confronted with the jokingly said statement of "How can I make myself more attractive to you, I'm already the best looking guy I know. It would be nice to be surprised by you every once in a while." I can only assume that everyone knows exactly what Sug meant. So, in a very respectful way, I posed a challenge to my dear husband. He didn't have to stay awake with me, but he did have to wake up every time that I did through out 1 night. He accepted my challenge. Last night was a fairly slow night. The girls went to bed easily and on time, Bunny only woke up around 1 and again around 5:30, and Bean only woke up once around 3. I never saw my husband move until 5:30. I had assumed that he did not participate in the challenge, until I received my morning phone call. Sug usually calls at about 7:15 to check in for the morning, my call this morning did not arrive until 8. I answered the phone to the words "Alright, you win. I woke up every time you did, I couldn't stay awake and I'm exhausted today, already. I just want to go to sleep. You win." Now, don't think for one minute that I win by us not having sex. That would actually be the biggest lose/lose situation ever. I think that what I was trying to show my husband was that the way that I feel about him and my enthusiasm for him has literally been exhausted by my duties as "Mommy". Sug will keep trying, and maybe I'll even surprise him sometimes, but it's nice to know that he can appreciate where I'm coming from. Instead of being angry, confused, feeling unattractive, or unwanted; he can understand and sympathize with our reality at this season of our lives. There truly is a season for everything. I am grateful and humbled by the fact that my husband loves me enough to accept my challenge and has taken it to heart. We've come a long way in our marriage, and this could easily have been another hurdle. It could have easily become a source of confusion, pain, resentment, and distance. Instead, we were able to take practical steps to understand each other better and open the table for discussion. Hopefully, in a few more months, Mommy Sex won't be such a contradiction.

Food For Thought

I feel as though God has slowly been trying to teach me the proper way to care for my body. It's been a long road, but I think I may finally be getting it. The road started in a way that may seem easy enough; I stopped dropping acid. That was in 1997 (I think). I then stopped all hard drugs and finally quit smoking pot, but only because it made me paranoid and tired, not because I wanted to take care of my body, necessarily. That was in 2005, and yes, I was a Christian and a mom at that point. During this time, I was also battling alcohol, by no choice of my own. I gave up smoking cigarettes and only indulged in the occasional glass of wine while I was pregnant with Bird. After I had Bird, I was a breastfeeding mama so I tried to bump up my occasional drink without going completely haywire, but I realized that I just couldn't. At this point, I began to realize that I had a problem. One drink easily turned into 7 or 8. I didn't really know how to deal with it. I stopped hanging out with my friends and eventually even talking to most of them. I put everything I had into my baby and completely isolated myself. I prayed a whole lot and came to a point that I would actually become physically ill if I drank even a few sips of a beer. When I was pregnant with Bean, I had gestational diabetes and learned that my life was being run by SUGAR! The reality of multiple daily insulin injections really woke me up to the warning that gestational diabetes may be a precursor for adult onset type 2 diabetes. I vowed to change the way I ate and thought about food. I went on Weight Watchers and learned how to eat smaller portions and well balanced meals, and I had my last drink on September 22, 2007. When I got pregnant with Bunny, I was probably in the best shape of my life (not my lowest weight). I felt strong and although I wasn't on WW anymore, I had continued to apply some really good exercise and eating habits. With bunny, I wanted to have a homebirth, but if I had GD again, I would be considered high risk and would not be considered for a homebirth by the only midwife in our area who attended homebirths. I was suddenly thrust into a battle against diabetes. During that time, I learned a lot about herbs and the benefits of grinding my own wheat. With God's blessing, I narrowly beat the diabetes and was blessed with an amazing homebirth. That was nearly 4 months ago. Two weeks ago, I looked questionably at Beanbag when she said she "needed" to have a lollipop at 9:30 in the morning and I suddenly realized that it wasn't about me. I had been focusing all of this new found food knowledge on healing myself while continuing to allow my husband and children to become addicted to sugar and other unhealthy foods. I'm not going to let my children become a statistic. My children will not be counted as one of the nearly 24 million people who have been diagnosed with diabetes in the US. After calling, once again upon my Lord, I was led to read "The Maker's Diet". In 2 days I was halfway through the book. I know that we will not be able to stick to all of this diet all the time, but I plan on adopting many of the guidelines in our home. Sug is not yet on board, so I may be buying 2 sets of groceries for a little while, but for a family who doesn't have much money, I'm sure that won't last long and the Doritos and cheese doodles will be taking the hit before the organic fruits and veggies. We have been blessed with our own little Garden of Eden by way of fruit trees and fertile land and I plan on making good use of both. I am so thankful that God has provided a way for my family to enjoy a healthy lifestyle and I look forward to amazing results.

The Luxury of Illness

I never thought being relegated to the couch with a bucket and a glass of water for what seemed like days on end was a luxury, until now. Mommies are not given the luxury of self focus during illness. How can we change this? I'll sign any petition, or vote for any law that would require that ONLY Mommy is allowed to be sick when she gets sick, and no one else is allowed to complain about feeling ill or ask her to participate in any day to day activities. I do believe that a 2 day limit would need to be set for this law as the temptation to curl up in bed, left alone to watch an overabundance of junk TV could be devastating to our economy and culture. I also think that daddies need to be sick first. Around these parts, if anybody besides Daddy gets sick first, Daddy freaks. All we hear about is what we were supposed to be doing or how his plans have been thwarted and he trys to get the sickie to carry on as if they are fine. But when Daddy gets sick first, he gets it. The girls are set up with activities, fed meals, and bathed while Mommy get regular hydration visits and respite from arguments and mayhem. Unfortunately, Beanbag, Bunny and I got sick this weekend. We still made it to the Farmer's Market, Babies R Us, Kohl's (to return some stuff), JC Penney (to buy some stuff to wear to a wedding), Trader Joe's and to a baby shower (sitting in the back of course). I will finally get the chance to sit completely still for a few hours today just in time to beat the tail end of this thing.

The phone just rang and it was Sug. He proceeds to tell me that he had to throw up right before he went to work today and that he was planning on doing absolutely nothing when he gets home. Part of me feels a little vindicated, but Daddy being sick is a whole other issue in and of itself.