Friday, August 14, 2009

The Rubber Meets the Road

How exactly does one give their past over to God? I should know the answer to this as a majority of my past is His for the keeping. I understand that I have been forgiven and that my life experiences will be used to help others in some way. I know that He wants us to forgive, but not necessarily forget. He doesn't want us to be tortured by memories or guilt or shame. He wants us to be truly repentant and turn our lives over to Him so that He can make us more like Christ Jesus. He's in the business of changing broken lives around. My God is a testimony maker. That being said, why can't I give him my childhood? He's walked me through it over and over again and it gets easier and easier each time,until...He asks me to give it to Him. How can I let Him have THAT? I need to be afraid so that I can keep the same things from happening to my children. I need to be on guard at all times so that I don't suffer the same shocking fate as my mother. I need to be wary of people in order to protect my family and myself. Doesn't God understand that? How can He even think of taking that away? Fear, anger, resentment are all things He's healed me from in the past. Why can't I let this go? Jesus, my Lord and King, is asking for my garbage and junk so that He can make it beautiful. I know that He will, He's done it many times over. Why is this one so hard? How easy would it be for me to just blame Satan, but I'm the one holding the great neon sign that says "If you want to keep me paralyzed from prospering God's kingdom in any way, push THIS button" with an arrow pointing to the absurdly large flashing button that is my childhood. I know I can trust Him with this, so why don't I? How do I distinguish the Holy Spirit's prompting from my own personal blockade of fear? Well, if the fear is gone, there will be only one voice, that WOULD make it easier. I know that I will have to pry my fingers off this thing daily, but with His help it might not be so bad, right? I guess, with that thought, I'm beginning another mission from God. I know it's from Him because it's hard and I don't want to do it, but it will be life changing and epic. It will be one of the many places I can build an Ebenezer in my walk with Him, so maybe the next time He wants something from me it won't be as difficult as it is right now. Praise God for His Glory and Grace. For this moment my childhood is His and although my eyes are stinging and the tears are flowing, it feels good to be set free, if only for a short while. Thank you, God for showing me my junk. I can only get through this mission with you at the helm. Please lead and guide me along your path to complete freedom. Praise you.

1 comment:

  1. As I said before "Out of the same ashes..." Sister, I've released my childhood hurts so many times to God, only to find that they are still firmly in my hands, controlling the very way I perceive the world. Then, an amazing thing happened this summer, without my even trying (though I had this great plan to bring everything out into the light and confront and forgive...) God told me to "Let Go". It is His. THEY are His. They always have been. I've been carrying around hurt and betrayal like it's my family obligation. He's telling me that it is HIS cross to carry and He wants to take it from us, so that our hands are free to carry His light. Holding onto darkness is like dragging along a blanket, only this one doesn't protect us. It stifles us, steals our breath and our ability to breath life into others. That darkness doesn't belong to us, let it go, He's already dealt with it.